How my superpowers helped me reach my full potential

I tried to collect my emotions before posting this blog post. It's kind of crazy that a video could hit home for me. A video that kind summed up the way I've been feeling all along. I actually cried watching this video and almost contemplated even posting this, but in all honesty, this needs to be posted. 

Growing Up "Different"

The school was a nightmare for me as a child. I remember going and the lights would be too bright, people talking would get me emotional, I had an IEP and me was given special "think time" to answer questions. I knew I was different. Everyone around me was chatty and I was the loner. I was the girl would prefer to read a book, enjoy music, and would immerse my self with some of my favorite topics, Ancient Egyptian Mummies, UFO's, and electronic games (which I never needed an instructional book for).

People would make friends, and hang out at friend's houses. I would be alone, and had no clue that people actually still had sleepovers and stayed at friend's houses. Part of me wanted to participate in stuff like they did, while the other part of me didn't care and didn't know how to socialize. You think schools would have taught me things like that.

Some day's I'd cry at school or I'd come home and cry or come home and get angry. It was draining, both physically and emotionally.

It's kind of funny knowing you're different, the teachers, other students, and people know you're different. But they too didn't have a name for what made me different. I just knew I was different. They all tried really they did. But because I couldn't focus and because I became overwhelmed, I dropped out of high school at 17, so I wasn't as stressed or depressed.

My Partial Diagnosis

Since I've always been an emotional loner, my family pushed me to go seek help. It's not like I would have gone to get help on my own. I would have preferred to be alone, being alone writing and imagining life without people was I good at. I wasn't broken I knew that. So what if I had moments where I'd yell at someone, or cried because noises got to be too much, and don't even get me started on my surroundings being different?

It wasn't until the therapist I was seeing mentioned about Aspergers and asked me what I knew about it and how she thought I might have it. I had a lot of the qualities that someone with Aspergers had, I was socially awkward, I couldn't read people's emotions, and I certainly had my own interests. I fit the qualities. Even the physiatrist that took my case thought that Asperger's may have been a diagnosis. 

Before I could get a diagnosis, my therapist left. I was suggested to see another therapist, some guy, and I was already suggested not to have one. They were worried that I wouldn't open up to him. So that ended both my path of diagnosis and getting any help I needed.

Because I had nobody to turn to, I wanted to know what Asperger's was, I didn't have the internet at the time, but I did have a medical book. Never read a medical book about something like Asperger's by the way, it confused me. The book description was literally two lines, "High functioning autism" "aloof" and "interested in schedules." I understood being aloof, but they didn't explain what high functioning autism was and I didn't have anyone to ask. What was I going to do now?

I was suggested to go to a vocational rehabilitation therapist, someone who could help me get a job. To get a basis on where to go next she sent me to the psychiatrist who was going to test my IQ and my other skills. I was told that I had no social skills, had a very low IQ (supposedly in the 80's somewhere) and that Asperger's could be an actual issue.

Keeping my partial diagnosis a secret 

For a few years, I kept the whole Asperger's partial diagnosis a secret. I was ashamed, scared, and I made up reasons why I was cold, aloof, standoffish, and unable to connect with people. Why bring up something that you're ashamed of? I was ashamed of myself.  Being ashamed of myself caused anger, it caused frustration, and it even caused depression.

Hiding the secret really put a damper on my dating life. I had men tell me that I was cold, unemotional, unable to laugh, and so many other things that again, I felt like a failure. I felt like someone that was broken, even though I knew I wasn't. I wanted to be fixed, if I could run away from my body and never look back, I would have. I wanted to be normal. 

It wasn't until my son was almost two when we noticed he wasn't talking much, he'd get lost in his 'own little world' and he'd flap his hands by his ears everytime he got excited. That he was going to be evaluated to find out what was going on with my son. Again

I felt shame, I felt regret. I hadn't even told my husband the secret that I was hiding. 

Our suspicions were confirmed and my son was diagnosed with autism. I knew he had no clue what was going on. But both as a mother and someone who was 'partially diagnosed,' I knew he wouldn't have to go through this alone. I know what it's like walking through the store when the lights are so loud, and the people are moving to talk.

After his diagnosis I actually looked at the symptoms, rather than reading them in a book, I took the autism tests that were online, just to be told the same thing I was told by the therapist and the doctors. But because the town I live in is so small and there really aren't many resources to get diagnosed fully, I've grown to accept that Asperger's is not a death sentence, and many people get the diagnosis every day. Not every one of them is depressed or hiding the fact that they got the diagnosis.

My Superpowers

I've heard people use the skills that come easy and the knowledge that I have for certain things, super superpowers. I even used the term around my son (who's nonverbal), when he shows that he has a special interest or something he's good at, so he doesn't feel weird or different. But when I heard Dan use the phrase and explained his 'powers' it hit home. I have powers and mine aren't the same as my son's or Dan's mine is my own.

Writing is my superpower, and I'm happy to have the ability to write and express myself. I'm really happy and grateful to be able to share my story about my partial diagnosis, and how I feel so that people know they're not alone. Writing is my escape, it's a way to make me step back and say, "Hey there's something that I can do. There's something that I'm good at".

So what if I'm a loner and I'm not good around people? The people I come in contact now, other writers. People who have different abilities that make us all unique. My superpowers some days aren't as strong. We all have our moments. But I have these powers and I'm aware of that now. I'm not afraid to be myself. I'm not afraid to express myself. I get it that some people won't like my talent or abilities, that's fine. I'm sure even superheroes aren't liked by everyone.

My Message to others

To anyone who reads this blog post. Either it'd be a friend, a family member, a stranger or someone who's not sure what's going on in your life. Be yourself, love who you are and enjoy your superpowers. You don't have to have a special diagnosis to be a superhero or have superpowers. Batman is an average everyday man, he doesn't need superpowers to be a hero. Remember that you're not broken, you're awesome, don't let anyone tell you different.