My life changed on this day 8 years ago. I was 15 weeks with my very first son. On this day 8 years ago, I was in the hospital with tears in my eyes and pain in my heart. Never once had I ever had anything this live changing happen in my life, never once have I felt so much emotional pain and so much emotional pain all mixed together. Eight years ago, we medically induced my pregnancy, it was the day I said hello and goodbye to my handsome son.
Some history about my son
I found out I was pregnant on June 14, 2011. I was ecstatic, I was told that if I ever became pregnant it would be extremely difficult, so to hear that I was going to finally be a mother. I was excited. I couldn't wait to meet my baby, whenever he or she was going to be born. My miracle baby.
A few weeks later, I had my ultrasound, I was so excited to see my son move around on the screen. I was confused about why I didn't get any photos, but I figured it was something nice the doctor was going to do or it wasn't time for photos. I was just ecstatic to see the baby move around.
The doctor called me a few days later and asked my husband and I to come in, the same day I got a whole packet in the mail about, "DNA, and genetic testing." I was really confused about what was happening. But tried not to let it get to me. I shouldn't be worried when I was pregnant. I knew it wouldn't be good on the baby.
But once I saw the doctor my whole world changed. She said there may have been something wrong with the baby, she showed us an ultrasound photo of his skull and explained that there was something missing and that there may be part of its skull missing, or it could the way that the baby was laying. I tried to keep positive that it was how it was laying. But she said she had referred us to the high-risk doctors and they'd get ahold of me. Those were the papers I got earlier that morning, that I knew nothing about.
It wasn't even a day later I was at the high-risk doctor's, nervous, my heart was in my throat and I was trying not to get emotional. They asked me my whole medical history, checked my vitals and did a ton of other stuff that I hardly remember happening. Then they led me to the ultrasound room. The room had many monitors so that the parents could see their baby on the screen.
The nurse checked the baby on the ultrasound. And for a split second, I was hoping tha the doctor was wrong and that this second opinion proved that our son was normal.
That excitement was short-lived though, the doctor came in and laid on the news that what our son had was a fatal birth defect called anencephaly. Anencephaly is a neural tube disorder, that causes the neural tube on the baby's head to not form. Because it doesn't form and there's no bone to protect the brain every time my son hit my placenta or my placental wall pieces of his brain would come loose. She explained if he went full term, he more than likely would be born stillborn or he'd die from respiratory failure, and since he had a fatal condition the doctors wouldn't do anything much to save him.
That excitement was short-lived though, the doctor came in and laid on the news that what our son had was a fatal birth defect called anencephaly. Anencephaly is a neural tube disorder, that causes the neural tube on the baby's head to not form. Because it doesn't form and there's no bone to protect the brain every time my son hit my placenta or my placental wall pieces of his brain would come loose. She explained if he went full term, he more than likely would be born stillborn or he'd die from respiratory failure, and since he had a fatal condition the doctors wouldn't do anything much to save him.
I then was given an option to go full term give born to a son who may or may not be a life when he was born or medically induce and try for a baby again. To be given a choice like that felt heart-wrenching. What choices did I have, they were both going to end in sadness.
After a bit of thinking, I decided going full term wasn't what I had in mind. I didn't think that I'd be mentally strong enough for a few more months just to deliver a baby who wouldn't make it. So we went with the option of medically inducing.
On August 10, 2011, I was medically induced in a hospital room in the labor and delivery wing. The physical pain was nothing, possibly because they had me hooked up to a pain pump so the pain wasn't so bad. It was the emotional pain that really drained me. I wanted to leave the room, I wanted everything to be normal. I go from being told that it would be difficult to have my own baby to possibly losing the only chance I had at motherhood.
August 11, 2011, our baby was born. I never really had a chance to say goodbye to him. But despite that, he was loved, he was my firstborn and will always be my firstborn. It changed the way I understood life and understood being a parent went. But since then, I've had two other amazing children that I wouldn't trade for the world.
On August 10, 2011, I was medically induced in a hospital room in the labor and delivery wing. The physical pain was nothing, possibly because they had me hooked up to a pain pump so the pain wasn't so bad. It was the emotional pain that really drained me. I wanted to leave the room, I wanted everything to be normal. I go from being told that it would be difficult to have my own baby to possibly losing the only chance I had at motherhood.
August 11, 2011, our baby was born. I never really had a chance to say goodbye to him. But despite that, he was loved, he was my firstborn and will always be my firstborn. It changed the way I understood life and understood being a parent went. But since then, I've had two other amazing children that I wouldn't trade for the world.
Time for an Angelverery
I said it on my Facebook a bit ago the funny thing about losing a child is, that it feels like it happened yesterday, but at the same time it feels like it was so long ago. At this point in my grieving process, I'm aware that my son's body more than likely isn't in its full form in the ground, and may not even be there after all the decomposition. So today is just memories and sadness.
I'm not the best at talking about this. And as much as I try to talk about it, it hurts even more, but I know I have to do this to heal and feel better.
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| Our Life Under Construction |
To all other parents of Angel Baby's
To any parents of an angel baby. If you need someone to talk to I'm here for you and you're in my heart. and prayers.
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